Just keep looking..

Do it for children, the animal children not the human ones

I’ve never been part of an art exhibit before. I don’t even talk about doing art or being an artist.  I don’t consider myself one. I take photo series and then I put them on my hard drive and I don’t let anyone see them. I don’t touch them. They’re just hidden. However, a friend of mine organized an art exhibit called Homeward Bound. All proceeds will go to PAWS, which is Philadelphia’s largest no-kill shelter. I used to foster for them before I moved into an apartment. I met great animals and great people as a result of it. So I decided to stop being a pussy and asked if I could contribute a piece of work. I was instead asked to contribute two.

The opening reception is May 10th at Grindcore House in South Philly from 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm. I am anxious and also proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and no longer denying that I actually have talents. I actually like stuff.

Facebook invite and more info is here.

Repost, come hang, donate, buy art. I will probably drink a lot of coffee and make things awkward but that isn’t anything out of the norm. x

”I mean, who made up all the rules in the culture? Men—white male corporate society. So why wouldn’t a woman want to rebel against that?” -Kim Gordon

This interview is so good.

The Boys Only Club

I recently emailed Globe— a manufacturer and distributor of skate shoes and street apparel— about a pair of shoes they have that I really want. This was the email exchange.

Me: Are your shoe sizes men sizes? I’m particularly interested in the Motley B&B. Thanks!

Globe rep: Hello Jaime, Yes men sizes! If you are a lady 8 you would take a mens 6. Thanks.

Me: Gah! What kind of sexist crap is that?! Any plans to go smaller?

<crickets>

So apparently only men skate or women with giant feet.

When I was in elementary school I wanted a skateboard and my dad bought me one. He encouraged me to learn. When I was in high school I was made to feel weird about it. As though it wasn’t “lady-like” to skate and so I stopped and just sat on the walls and watched the boys skate. Now as an adult female I’ve contemplated doing it again just for fun. You know, bucket list and shit.

It’s not that I was online shopping for skate shoes that this came up. I actually happened across these by chance when working on a blog post for work. I wanted them because 1. They’re all black. 2. They’re Beavis and Butt-head related. So overall, they’re fucking awesome. The fact that they’re skate shoes just means I will at least look kind of cool when I’m fucking up an ollie.

After looking over Globe’s site I came to terms with the fact that everything they sell is geared towards men. The only time women are even represented is in their advertisements. Of course in all of the one’s I watched the scantily clad, extremely attractive ladies are seen holding skateboards or swooning over men riding skateboards and surfboards. (They sell surf apparel too.) Not once is a woman shown skating or surfing. That’s because we’re not supposed to do those things. They’re not female activities.

Globe was founded in Melbourne, Australia either in 1984 or 1994. Their webpage and Facebook page say two different things. My research (actually, hunch) suggests it’s the latter. So, the person running the website should probably fix that.

Their Facebook page also says: “A diverse group of individuals, rooted in skateboarding and surfing, united by one common thread… their passion and enjoyment for what they do best.”

They should also probably change “individuals” to “male” because clearly that is who is in charge and that is who has decided to keep discouraging women from skating and surfing.

I say “attempting” because I’m still going to try skating again. I’ll just do it in my beat up old Vans. I don’t need Globe’s Beavis and Butt-head insoles to make me feel cool while I’m doing it. The fact that I’m a woman— a 31 year old woman at that— makes it cool on it’s own. I’ll draw my own fucking insoles.

While I was looking up female skateboarders to pump myself up for relearning how to skate I found this sexist bullshit as well “The 10 Sexiest Female Skateboarders” I did a quick search to see if I could find a list of the ” top 10 sexiest male skateboarders” but the only thing I found was this amateur YouTube video. To be fair I didn’t go past the first page on Google.

I also didn’t have time to fully explore these sites which encourage girls to skate but I was pretty hyped to see they exist.

Girl Skate Network

Skate Like a Girl

Anyway, this is a rough/unedited, rant of an issue that is far too common and infuriating.  One that I will likely come back to when I’m not in a rush to enjoy the sunshine and do outdoor activities that only boys are supposed to do.

Surprise! I’m not surprised.

Life has dealt me a pretty shitty hand. So shitty in fact that I’ve had doctors and therapists (yes, plural) tell me how impressed they are that I am still a functioning human. “How are you still standing?” To be honest with you, sometimes I ask myself the same question. But I think the answer is that I remind myself regularly that someone somewhere has it much worse.

It could always be worse. It could always get worse and sometimes it does.

On Monday I called Planned Parenthood to schedule an exam not expecting to get in that day. During that exam I explained a pain I’ve had on my lower left side for the last month or so. The doctor pressed around the right side. Nothing. She moved to the left and hit a spot that caused me to jolt.

When a doctor scrunches their face and says “I’m going to ask the senior doctor to come in and take a look.” that usually means there is something up. I’ve never had a second opinion within 5 minutes of the first opinion. The senior doctor evoked the same response.. Only this time when she scrunched her face she said “Your left ovary feels unusual. Do you have health insurance?” I do not. “Okay, I’m going to write you a script to (insert diagnostic center). They will only charge you $125 instead of $600 for an ultrasound. We’ll be right back.”

Then they left me in the room, alone, for what felt like hours but in reality was probably only a few minutes. It is during this time that my mind was able to go through every horrible thing that could be wrong and by the time they had returned I had gone into defense mode which is general numbness.

There are a number of things that could be wrong. It could be a cyst that got infected. Women get cysts all the time. Usually they go away on their own. Maybe I have a cyst that decided to hang around a little longer than normal and then got pissed off and decided to cause me a great deal of pain. They emphasized cysts a lot and when I brought up ovarian cancer they tried to change the subject back to cysts. It is very likely it could be a cyst. It could be nothing. But I want to know about all the worst things it could be. Don’t sugarcoat my health.

“You’re a young lady. The chances of you getting ovarian cancer are slim.”

“My aunt died from ovarian cancer in November.”

“Okay, that does increase your risk but really, don’t think about that now. Let’s wait until the ultrasound is complete and go from there.”

Don’t worry about it. Yeah. Fucking. Right.

Ovarian cancer is also known as the silent killer because its symptoms are often mistaken for other illnesses. Of course I went home and Googled the symptoms.

bloating- yep

abdominal or pelvic pain- yep

difficulty eating- yep

back pain- yep

involuntary weight loss- yep

tiredness- yep

constipation- yep

urinary symptoms- yep

Then I just stopped reading the symptoms. Never read the symptoms. It’s the same as reading the comments. You will regret it.

There is a high probability that it’s not cancer and it’s something else, something minor. But it could also be something else that impacts whether I’m able to have children which for someone who doesn’t want kids, is actually really terrifying. It’s one thing to say you don’t want kids when you know you can have them but when you are faced with the possibility of not being able to have them even if you wanted to, shit takes a different turn.

I don’t like the idea of not being able to do something that I don’t want to do. I want to be able to change my mind.

I am aware that thinking the worst is not the best thing to do but it is also in my nature. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. It’s in my blood.

I had the ultrasound done yesterday and was told I should have the results today. When I called over an hour ago I was told the doctor hadn’t looked at them yet. It’s possible she won’t get a chance to see them until tomorrow. The waiting game is the worst game. Let’s hope it’s not cancer because if it is it’s probably spreading as you read this.

New Realizations by Jaime:

“Don’t read the symptoms.” is the new “Don’t read the comments.”